Episode 17 | BDSM Basics Part 1: What ‘BDSM’ Means, Marquis DuSade, Sadism vs. Sadomasochism, Safe Words, Munches, BDSM Porn
A beginner’s guide to understanding BDSM. This jumbo sized episode covers the definitions of: the acronym “BDSM”, Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism & Masochism as well as Sadomasochism. We also talk about soft limits, hard limits, the Marquis DuSade, Safe Words, SSC (Safe, Sane & Consentual) Play vs. RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), Polyamory in the BDSM Lifestyle, finding a local or online BDSM community and what you should keep in mind when watching BDSM porn (and how it can help you find your own inner freak)
Show Links:
Direct Download: Sexual-Dark-Age-017-BDSM-Basics-Part-1.mp3
FrugalDomme.com, a great resource site on BDSM practices and safety
RACK vs SSC, great comparative blog post
musical holes!! I am very pleased to see my suggestion for musical holes worked so well.
If you like to go back door to pussy use a condom when in the back door and pull it off for the pussy visit.
I agree with JV and shara – – NO surprise anal play.
Great episode
It was indeed some entertaining play. I’ve always just kinda sidelined the concept of ass-to-pussy due to health concerns, but Shara loved it as well so I think we’ll add that to the tool belt long-term 🙂
Hi J.V.,
I really enjoyed the show. I think I’m going to try out the yellow light, red light idea this weekend with Kitty and our friend.
I just thought I’d share some links. Another porn site with some BDSM videos is http://www.extremetube.com. There are some interesting essays at leathernroses.com and there is a social networking site for kink called fetlife.com. I hope this helps your viewers.
Now on to the homework…
I think you’ll find the traffic light system has some clear advantages. I’ve always found it to allow me to be more comfortable pushing limits, since I know I’ll get a head’s up well prior to crossing any lines…it actually relaxes my attitude towards play altogether. I’ve also found that even submissives who hesitate to use hard stop safewords are more comfortable with “yellow” meaning “proceed with care.”
Shara and I are both on Fetlife to see how it works out for us, so thanks much for the link. Once our profiles are set up I’ll make an announcement that we can be found there.
Hi J.V;
I loved your BDSM Part 1 show. I have been learning about BDSM for a bit now and still learned new things off your podcast. I am very thankful that I have a great, respectful and eagr to learn Dom. When I first started out with BDSM I used the site that Liam posted, http://www.fetlife.com. It helped me connect with people in the community who had knowledge about that type of lifestyle, along with reading many things on the internet.
I was at first very scared and yet excited to try BDSM. I was scared because of the many things that can happen if you don’t have a good Dom. Excited because I had already learned that I liked a bit of BDSM practices.
I agree with you when you say that a submissive gives over the control to her Dom and that it is based on trust. Trust is a huge thing and I don’t know if people realize that if there is no trust or very little you won’t have a good experience. I have learned to talk to my Dom after BDSM play to discuss what I liked, wanted more or less of, what I want to try next. I have been finding certain things I like done before I want more of it now or getting it harder. For example: biting. I liked nibbling and some pressure of someone biting my neck or body. Now I want the bites to be harder. I just find the feeling I get from it to be exhilarating.
Shara;
I believe there are different levels of sub zone. I am still finding things or ways that put me in that head space. I have found that sometimes I can put myself in that head space on my own. It is like I concentrate on one thing, like sucking my Doms’ cock; go with the rhythm of it and I feel as if I go into a trace like state. I am in my body but feel a form of disconnect in a way. I relish in the feeling of what goes on. I know what I’m doing, I follow whatever my Dom orders of me and I love it. My eyes seem to glaze over and I don’t respond with words a lot. This also happens on occasions when my Dom is calling me a dirty slut, ordering me to do things that please him, pinning my hands/arms and taking over control of what I do. I feel very good when I am in my sub zone.
Sometimes I have found that if something is happening to me during kink play, like my mind is working overtime due to stresses of life and I’m thinking too much, I go into my sub zone. I don’t even notice it is happening. It takes over and calms me down. My mind goes quiet and all I do is focus on the play and enjoying all the sensations.
In this state I know I am extremely vulnerable. This is another area where you need to be comfortable with your Dom and trust them.
It can take me a bit of time to also get out of sub zone. I have found I need to be held, have a warm blanket around me, some juice or water and to have my head stroked to get me out of sub zone. There are times I am able to get out of it by myself but that is harder to do. When I am out of sub space there have been times that I get sad, crying or depressed feeling. It happens hours or days after. Now with my Dom living out of town it can be a hard time when this drop happens. I have found a few things help me get out of this drop; like a warm blanket, stuffed animal to snuggle with, junk food and nice movie or being around people. It doesn’t happen all the time. I have been learning about how to help myself when this happens.
I still enjoy the state of sub zone; it makes me happy.
Curiouskity,
I agree on different levels of subspace. I too have had the blanket to warm me, the Dominant to cuddle with me, nurture me and care for my every need. I also had a Dominant that was out of town a lot which created the sub drop issue for me to be quite severe. He helped by calling me on the 2nd day he was gone which was when I usually had my sub drop. He had given me a blanket from him that I was to have with me when he called along with a toy that he may or may not have me play with when he would call. He would often change it up so that I would not know what to expect and thus causing spontaneity in each call. This gave me something to look forward to and gave us an even stronger connection both when He was in town and out of town. Plenty of water/juice is important when coming out of subspace.
I too get the glazed over eye and for most of the subspace for me I prefer to be spoken to but not necessarily respond as it allows me to go deeper into the subspace. If talking is required of me then of course what Master wants Master gets :-).
Subspace is different for so many but one thing we all agree on is the fact that it is one of the greatest feelings any sub can experience. For some subs who do not like to suck cock, just allowing themselves to go into sub space can make sucking on a cock as great as sucking on their favorite food like ice cream for instance :-). Now she is enjoying herself and most certainly pleased her Dominant beyond anything He thought was going to happen.
Sub drops do become easier as time goes on especially as you and your Dominant figure out what works best for you. Since your Dom is now living out of town perhaps a friend in the lifestyle, another submissive, could be someone you spend that time with.
Thank you Shara for your response and suggestions on how to help me with my sub drop when my Dom is away.
You’re welcome Curiouskity….I hope it helps. Thank you for sharing your information to help so many others out there!
I actually had my first experience with BDSM because of this podcast, back when you talked about soft/hard limits I basically said “Well I’m trying this.” Unfortunately I didn’t have any female friends close enough, and literally close enough to try it physically, so I did the next best thing and did it via phone.
So I sent a text message since I was anticipating pictures to be the basic medium, asked the girl if she was interested in it at all. She said yes, had about an hour of just honest discussion back and forth, and did we went about it. Since it was the first time I had attempted to be a dom, and the first time she had attempted to be a sub, I expected nothing of it really.
To my surprise I had her writing stuff over her body in sharpie and begging me for erotica (which I’m a natural writer and can handle). She even ended up writing some stuff on her body that went above and beyond what I asked of her. And if she wasn’t lying to me, after my lengthy erotica finished sending (which is annoying to type through a phone) she had a rather intense orgasm just because of her state of mind.
Being someone who at the heart of things strictly enjoys bringing pleasure to my sexual partner, I was instantly hooked.
Hi,
I just listened to this podcast today and really quite enjoyed it.
I do have one request however. Please don’t use that hotel desk bell again.
There are two reasons for this;
Firstly, it is a very shrill noise to listen to through ear buds and it got irritating very quickly. And secondly (and most importantly), I was very interested in hearing Shara’s opinions and perspectives and the constant interruption of the bell derailed what she was saying. I kept thinking that she had more to say and experience to share about a point and then the bell would ring.
Yes, it is important that you have fun while making these terrific podcasts, but the bell really ruined the last half of this one.
Otherwise, I love your work.
Mal
Newcastle, Australia.
Hi Malachi,
I’m really glad you’re enjoying the show. I overdid the bell in this episode (guy with a new toy…I plead “genetics”), and I had it too close to the mic. We’ve actually gotten a lot of really positive feedback about the bell so I’m keeping it around, but it’s way farther from the mic and it’s not a new toy anymore. Hopefully you find the “new and improved” bell more friendly.
No worries mate. I have to say I really appreciate what you are doing with the podcast. Please keep it up.
Cheers,
Mal.
http://fetlife.com/groups/347/group_posts/48190
JV
Was on fetlife and came across this thread on safe words and wondered what JV would say?
great shows as always and I look forward to your next one. I do understand busy so thanks for the effort on this topic
That’s a great post, and I’m going to talk about it on a listener mail show. This guy makes a lot of really good points, and I think his observations on how experienced kinksters relate to safewords are on target. That said, safewords do play an important role. The key is not getting a false sense of security that causes you to be careless.
Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if
you knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet
my newest twitter updates. I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for
quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience
with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything.
I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.
I use an app package called Twitter Tools that’s a central module with a bunch of optional addons for specific tasks like automatically tweeting posts and including your tweets on the blog in a widget. If you’re using WordPress on your blog you can search/add the app and then you just need to follow the instructions to connect your twitter account.
First time on this site. Very first podcast I listened to. I cannot describe the sheer joy and giddy pleasure I feel at having listened to this. I laughed. A lot. Impeccable, descriptive, informative, genuinely inspirational. The problem with our age of technological advancement is a catch 22. The more information we have access to, the more selective we become with what information we consume. The majority of people continue to have misconceptions about bdsm because they aren’t choosing to listen to podcasts like this. And that is the greatest downfall of our informational age. Kudus to you both! Now onto part 2. =D