Episode 21 | Advice Line: Cock Rings, Sex Journals, Masturbation Stigmas
Celebrating the first six months of the show, JV and Shara look back on some highlights and favorite moments and talk about topics including keeping a sex journal, women who frown on masturbation and polyamorous complications. A new section of the site called Confessions of a dirty mind is introduced, as is the show’s new app for Android phones.
Show Links:
New Website Section: Confessions of a Dirty Mind
Direct Download: Sexual-Dark-Age-021-Semi-Annum.mp3
I just wanted to thank you for addressing my concerns so quickly. When I saw that you were going to cover my issues I went and called my best friend to tell her that I was nervous about what would be said. My husband overheard me say that I was nervous, and wanted to know why, demanded to know why.
I told him I wrote into your show and that you were going to read it. He wouldn’t stop asking questions, so I sat down, and read him my email to you. It was painful, but after I was done, it opened alot of communication about alot of things. We listened to the show together. We both enjoyed hearing what you both had to say. I reread what I had wrote many times, and even that has helped me think about what I was saying and thinking at the time that I wrote it.
I’m not sure where we are gonna go with this, but I do know that this whole weekend has offered me and my husband a starting ground for more open communication, so for that I am very thankful.
After reading alot on bdsm, I really believe what I feel for my BF is sub-drop. When we get together we have limited time, we have cuddle time, but not a lot. When we are not together we only talk by texts. I have had chronic pain for 5 years. I think that the time spent with the BF helps me escape from my pain, puts me into a different place where the pain is no longer there. I just think I am confusing the drop with the need to be with him on another level. I’d be happy to hear anyone’s take on this. Thanks for your time.
That’s very possible Roxxi. You didn’t mention anything kink-related so I didn’t look in that direction, but sub drop can happen after any emotionally and physically intense play. The “different place” you’re describing sounds like subspace to me, especially since you dissociate out of chronic pain. You’re having extremely intense sexual experiences then out of any real contact with your playmate for days at a time afterward, and that’s a recipe for sub drop. Seems like you’re on the right track.
If you can transform your “need” into a “want” that you understand you’ll find it much easier to manage.
After hearing that particular listener mail, I was reminded of a situation I recently went through with my new husband. We’re both full-time students, and he’s in the military, so needless to say, our lives are full of constant stress and worry. Until late last year, that part of our relationship had always stayed out of the bedroom. Somewhere along the way, it crept in and pushed us apart. We spent so much time doing and not enough time loving. It ended up with me not getting off for three months while he masturbated in the shower every day. Hell, we even stopped sleeping naked together.
Sometime between Christmas and New Year’s, we had a talk that ended with both of us breaking down. We’d hurt each other by being so caught up in the little every day things, and forgetting to nurture our own relationship. I was particularly hurt that he’d decided to get off every day without even trying to talk to me about our sexual breakdown.
After about two weeks worth of discussion, we decided to plan a night just for the two of us. I think that was the best decision we’ve made as a couple, short of getting hitched in the first place. We made it a point to have a no-topics-barred conversation about what we liked, disliked, and had been dying to try in the sack. That night is something we both cherish, and now our sex life is more amazing than ever. We’re currently exploring the dominant-submissive aspect of our relationship, and I do believe we’ll be picking up a collar for me before the summer rolls around.
All in all, open communication is worth more than its weight in gold. I’ve learned my lesson, the hard way as usual, but I couldn’t be happier now. It’s far harder to own up to your feelings, especially when they’re not so pretty, but it’s something you owe your partner. Why that isn’t in traditional marriage vows beats the hell out of me.
Thanks for sharing that Indianna. You may go through a few collars before you find something you really like. Metal collars are great for show but they can be uncomfortable in some positions so I’d recommend starting with a soft leather collar with a buckle. Shara’s collar is buffalo hide and was made by Lawrence L’Varado at Fetish Temple.
Check out his stuff when you’re ready. I’ve been buying gear from him off and on for over 10 years and he delivers truly exceptional quality at a very reasonable price. If you have questions about sizing, fit, or comfort he’s an incredibly friendly guy and you can call or email him. Everything is custom, and if you take measurements he’ll make any gear specifically to fit you. I can’t recommend him highly enough.
Thanks JV, Shara and Indianna for being open, honest and sincere in wanting to help!!! as an update Her and i talked after see turned me down three nights in row when i offered to lick her pussy to help. keep in mind i have always licked her pussy, i enjoy a good talk with the man in the boat and even before her.
like you JV, one of the best things is watching a woman go thru and enjoy an orgasim. sorry rabbit trail there. we sat down and talked when i asked where the spark had gone in our marriage. she told me a secret she had kept for more than thirty years. she was sexually abused by a stepfather and then was told to keep quiet about it plus it was really her fault because she was evil and a whore. I held her the rest of the night and standing to reason our conversation has went no further.
You accomplished something amazing in getting her to open up to you. Now that it’s out there you can help her work through it. Just be supportive and make sure she knows that you don’t love her any less or look at her any differently. She’s a rape victim who’s never gotten any closure or counseling, and counseling may be a big help if she’s open to it. It’s still an open wound and after thirty years of blaming herself it will be a process, but with your support she has a chance to make peace with her past and move beyond it.
yes I have told her that I love her and that this makes no difference to me, its not her fault she is not a whore or evil as people have told her. I did ask her if she would like to see someone about this, to help her get closure with this!!!!. she said she is over it and that I should stop trying to fix her, that I’m never happy with who she is. Yes In the past I have said she would look hot in a dress, shoes or thigh highs or come to bed in something other than sweats.
Was that wrong of me to suggest that? I do want the best for her and our marriage. I know that this may be the root of problem but there is also twenty years of marriage to contend with. I also feel hurt that it took twenty years for her to tell me this. this doesn’t make her any less in my eyes now or then, I love my wife, I think of her as sexy, attractive intelligent and a wonderful mother to my boys. I have told her this many times and done my best to even show this many many times.
ideas anyone?
I’m not sure how much more advice I should give on this, because it’s straying into territory that should really be handled by a therapist experienced with sexual assault who can get into the particulars of the situation. There aren’t easy answers, but she can’t really claim she’s totally over it on one hand then use it as a trump card for her negative relationship with sex on the other. It’s either enough of an issue to be creating sexual problems (and thus worthy of further exploration and possibly therapy) or it isn’t. It can work both ways.
If you really feel strongly about it, there are many support groups for the families of rape victims. They’re a step removed from private counseling but are generally run by therapists, and you could probably get some advice on how to help someone in your wife’s position. The big question is whether she’d feel like it was a betrayal for you to basically “go around” her, so think long and hard before going that route. The safest thing you could do would be to seek resources online, and if you try but can’t find anything let me know and I’ll have Shara dig something up for you.
Updates 🙂
Letting go of “Goldenboy” was not an option. Right now we are pretty much all open about the matter and exploring polyamory. To my surprise, he did tell his wife in depth about our relationship. My husband and I continue to work on our communication and know there are things about each other that we love and are not willing to let go.
On another note, Goldenboy is now my Master, and we are LOVING exploring BDSM. I am quite the little pain slut. I am finding myself in such a wonderful way and loving it. Prob wouldn’t have even gone there without your guidance, so, um THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, I am a very very very happy girl these days ~weg~