Episode 50 | Relationships: Re-Lighting The Fire When The Sex Has Dried Up
We talk about ways you can try re-lighting the fire when your sex life with your playmate has gone frigid. This is a response to a question from a male listener, and the answer involves getting into good habits with non-sexual intimacy as well as the possiblity of therapy, but (as always) we recommend trying to sort things our yourselves before calling in backup.
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That question could have been asked by my husband 10 years ago. Thankfully he stuck with me and we have an *awesome* sex life now.
I can’t overstate how being a mother of young kids KILLED my sex drive. It had nothing at all to do with my husband, he was super hot, sweet, and helped a ton with the kids. In retrospect, it was all stress and hormones. Another aspect you didn’t mention was the effect that birth control pills have on many women. Before I had kids, I could still get horny even on the pill, but the combo of pill + motherhood was a ZERO in the libido department. Perhaps your listener’s wife is having the same problem. Or, she may be afraid of getting pregnant again, which is another huge inhibitor for some women.
A third factor may be body image. Some lucky ladies bounce right back, but most of us are left with boobs that sag a little more then they used to, stretch marks, and maybe some extra pounds. I did not feel at all sexy after having my kids, especially when I was in my 20’s and comparing myself to other childless women in the same age group.
Yet another factor could be postpartum depression, which is SO SO common and often undiagnosed. Or, if she has been diagnosed with depression, perhaps the depression meds are effecting her sex drive.
I think that communication will be absolutely key for your listener. He needs to approach her with compassion and allow her the space to figure out whether her issue is physical or emotional. I’d encourage her to see her midwife or gynecologist and ask for help with diagnosing her libido issues.
Lastly, I’d like to offer hope to your listener. As I mentioned my poor man was in the same situation.. but WORSE.. because we went on to have two more children. Four kids in 6 years. To say it was rough on our sex life would be the understatement of the century. However, 7 years ago, after the birth of our 4th child, he got a vasectomy (which meant I could finally get off that cursed pill), I started reclaiming my own body (hello gym membership) and things began to fall into place. Now that all the children are older, self sufficient, and in school full time, our sex life has rebounded in an *incredible*. We’re making up for lost time and enjoying every minute of it. I am so thankful my husband was patient and I think I can safely say, he’s thankful he was patient too!!