Episode 54 | Adultery Isn’t Cool
This time we discuss a listener question from a lesbian who’s been pretty thoroughly cheated on by her long-time partner, which leads into a broader discussion of adultery and why cheating sucks on so many levels.
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Direct Download: Sexual-Dark-Age-054-Adultery-Isnt-Cool.mp3
Welcome back 😉 (I dont surf facebook much)
Good episode. It makes me feel a little better about my own cheating situation that happened last year, in that Ive been worried about my reaction to it and how healthy it was or was not, and its reassuring to hear that a lot of your considered opinions were similar things to what Ive been thinking myself.
For me, it was more of an “emotional cheating” situation, where (to my knowledge) my partner never quite slept with the other guy, but instead she was conducting a series of romantic dates behind my back that involved a lot of physical contact.
In some ways Im lucky not to be in Lissa’s situation, where I dont need to make a choice, since my partner ended the relationship. On the flip side, she told me she wanted to split up some time before I found out about the real situation, which caused me a lot of trouble in feeling like I was forced to be dealing with things that were already in the past.
The interesting thing that listening to EtSDA over the past few months has got me thinking about, though, is the resulting insecurities and how those might conflict and/or relate to the Dom tendencies Im starting to discover…
Thanks for a enligtning episode. You both have excelent advice to share with us. I always enjoy your podcasts. We have an issue regarding ethical nonmonogamy,I belive my fiancee will ask about soon. I begun listening 1 month ago and have now heard them all, now my fiancee has begun listening too and we discuss each podcast to expand our sexual life. Kindest regards Silversurfer.
Okay, I have a wild crazy story…and I’ll start by saying what brought me here. My wife and I had just finished 2 play sessions with a swinger couple that we had met the night before….and between play sessions they told us of your podcast. My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and on year 10, we started talking about possibly hooking up with other people, but we were always too afraid to make that leap. Then one week end my wife had a conference out of town, and she ended up hooking up with a guy while she was there. We are a VERY open and honest couple, and she told me of her fling as soon as she got back, and I went into a jealous tirade for about 2-3 days. I was very angry with my wife, but at no point did I ever want to end our marriage, despite the advice of my “friends”. Well, after much discussion with my wife, I was eventually able to come to terms with my jealous feelings. She begged for forgiveness, but I didn’t she felt she needed it, as we had discussed doing this prior….so I didn’t really think she owed me an apology…rather that I owed her an apology for getting angry, despite her honesty with me.
Needless to say, the whole event forced me to grow up and it really forged a stronger bond between my wife and I. Now, fast forward 4 years, and now my wife and I have experienced threesomes, gang-bangs and full swaps. The biggest change in me is now I am completely honest with my wife, and I no longer have any feelings of jealousy…as jealousy is not rooted in love. I love my wife strong enough to allow her to experience sexual pleasure with whomever she chooses. And she loves me the exact same way…and the end result is a marriage deeply rooted in love, pleasure and complete openness and honesty. I no longer have any feelings of jealousy or possessiveness, all I care about is my wife’s happiness. Something that was lacking before we entered the lifestyle.
Now we have friends that we can share deeper and more intimate feelings with and ultimately have great times with both in the bedroom and out in public. This lifestyle has enriched our lives…and now you have gained a new listener because of it!
Merry Christmas everyone. Finished the homework. My pet has a new toy that made her cheer. 😉
I have been struggling with my response to this episode. I listened to it in early December and had a very visceral negative reaction to it. Not that I am trying to say cheating is okay, but I heard a lot of judgement in the tone of the responses that hit me wrong.
I have enjoyed many of your podcasts (with the exception of the spankings which I fast foward through). After much thought, I have deleted this podcast from my subscriptions.
Best of luck to you both
I recently encountered one of those cheating stories that are too unbelievable to be made up. I have changed the names to make this story anonymous.
Mr. Johnson was a personable charismatic man in the BDSM community. He had a girlfriend in the scene named Jane. He and Jane were openly poly. I had submitted to him at play parties a couple times, he wanted more than just a play partner but I wasn’t interested in a relationship. Eventually he and Jane found their unicorn, but they had to go through a couple women who didn’t end up working out first. Sometime after that I received the following message on fetlife from a woman I did not know. The message is edited to maintain anonymity.
“Subject: Please Read
I was told by Jane that you may need to be informed by what has been happening. Please forgive me; this is going to be brief. It pains me to continue having to do this, and even more so because it only reveals the elaborate web of lies that were woven. Long story short, Mr. Johnson’s been leading a double life. He was in a “committed,” “monogamous” relationship with me for almost 2 years now. I knew he was interested in adopting a kinky lifestyle early on in our relationship and was actively learning about it. I was not aware, however, that he was having relationships outside of mine, kink or no kink. My recent involvement in the kink community was mainly for him. I went to a munch last week to find him there with 2 other girlfriends. I don’t know the extent of your relationship with Mr. Johnson, and I’m afraid to ask. I do want to let you know I have no ill will towards you or anyone at this point. The person responsible for this whole mess is Mr. Johnson, because he’s been keeping me hidden like a dirty secret I’ve been forcing him to acknowledge me to his kink communities. Right now, my main goal is to inform all the parties that were involved. If you need any more details, Jane might be the one to ask.”
I read the message twice and then talked to the two other girlfriends to verify that the story was true. No one in the community knew about his “monogamous girlfriend”, and the “monogamous girlfriend” certainly didn’t know about us. After that munch all his relationships in the scene vanished and he hasn’t come back to a munch since.
I only recently discovered you two and the podcast. I went back and listened to every single one for entertainment and thinking on my daily runs, especially my weekly long run (when I’m out for more than two or three hours, this podcast has been fantastic!). But I’ve gotten through them all, and I’m looking forward to more. Are you planning on making a new one soon?
Hello to both of you. I am quite open about sexuality now because of owning a love boutique and having worked managing fashion, lingerie and sex shops for many years. My best friend and assistant has a new man in her life, alot of the bdsm stuff in quite new and surprising to him having recently left a mostly sexless vanilla marriage. Since I quite often embarrass him(she helps) with my twisted sense of humor making him blush often. I began joking I needed to bring a bell, I had to explain about sexual darkage and how the bell is used. I dislike sitting at any computer,and usually delegate as necessary. A few minutes later we notice him making noise on his ipad so I asked what he was doing…. He had decided he might as well accept it his fate and find a app because I would bring a bell anyways…eventually upon discussion, we all decided it was just easier to have him say ding. The dings are less often now as he is getting more accustomed to me, but still entertaining at least for me and her when they happen. Thanks so much for the fabulous shows! I love them! Sincerely, Katriana